BUY A DIESEL CAR & SAVE THE EARTH, SERIOUSLY!

By Jane247365

[EDITOR: THIS BLOG IS A SATIRE PIECE, A JOKE, A TEASE, AND DOES NOT REPRESENT ACTUAL VIEWS OF THE WRITER OR THE AUTOSTREAM CHANNEL.]

‘Runs completely on electricity – generated by a tiny coal-burning power plant.’

Your ability to live is now threatened. Antarctica is dissolving, the Penguin is doomed, and it’s now so hot out that Producer of “Inconvenient Truth” had to shave off his beard. The former veep gives us a curt, conclusive and even frightening prognosis in his new eloquent documentary — essentially a slideshow where he bangs on about global warming [editor: It’s called Climate Change now] in front of a live studio audience.

Apparently since his close call with Dubbya, he’s been a man on a mission — becoming the Michael Moore of CO2: Lugging his iBook around the globe giving away hundreds of free pie-charted video presentations to any green bean who’d listen.

Within Al’s prognostication there is irrefutable evidence, there is conjecture, and (with the touching bit about his son’s near death experience inspiring his courageous yet emotional environmental activism) there is even poetry. But it’s more scare-mongering than scary. It’s more red-herring than red-alert.

There is no definite proof of global warming. No one can say for sure just what is causing the rise in temperature. But there is an inescapable fact. Carbon dioxide is indeed increasing, due partly to man’s burning of fossil fuels and Al’s bad breath complaining about man’s burning of fossil fuels.

What the Arabian Princes are doing by pumping useless dead dinosaurs out of the desert for us, is not only making our lives better and more convenient by fueling our Range Rovers and Hummers and Ferrari F430 Spiders with F1 paddle shifters and carbon ceramic brakes, is fueling nature.

Like your 10th grade biology teacher taught you, carbon dioxide is plant food! Plants can veg-out all they want since there’s no limit on how thick forests and shrubs and Poison Ivy can get, and they’ll never suffer from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or high charge card rates at the gym. Think of Central park as a heavy person who works doing inventory for a blind ice cream store owner.

Future outlook for a booming snowboarding business on Kilimanjaro may be bleak, but don’t blame it on the car or my excessive use of body spray. Blame it on ignorance, blame it on whomever is being smeared on the news, or just blame good ‘ole writers because global warming is a myth. Or, you could just condemn the Sun. Guess what decade the Sun has been at it’s hottest in the past 1000 years. This one.

Im sure Mr. G is a nice guy and we can agree to disagree on cars.  The actual blame goes to the HYBRID-ELECTRIC CAR. You see it’s powered by electricity and gasoline simultaneously, or alternately, or not at all. It runs on the electric motor in intense traffic like New York City when the spolied and lazy are protesting their right to more benefits from tax-payers. Also, in Atlantic City after a pop-culture concert.

Once the batteries are drained or you hit 20mph or floor the damn thing because it’s slower than continental drift, the gas engine, which has the power of high-speed blender, kicks in to help out and charge the 38 batteries so you can make it to the nearest hospital to deliver the little kid you just hit when she ran into the middle of the road to get her ball because she couldn’t hear you coming since you were using the silent electric motor to save the skiing industry.


WELL MAINTAINED, A GAS CAR WILL LAST 50 YEARS. ALSO MAINTAINED WELL, A ELECTRIC CAR WILL LAST 15 YEARS.

Now at this juncture, know-it-all types in hippie sandals will point out that the Hybrid’s main purpose is fuel economy and that most get a fantastic certified 60mpg. Which is almost as fantastic as the certified 78mpg that the VW Lupo Diesel gets. Sure, the Lupo may not be applicable since it’s only available in Europe, but only in the same way that most HYBRID CARS’ mpg aren’t applicable since governmental gasoline tests gets skewed when it’s applied to electric+gasoline cars. Even HYBRID CAR companies themselves say that most drivers will get about 20% worse mileage than the ratings would suggest.

It’s no surprise that at $10/gal, half of all European cars are diesels. But here, even at our new $3/gal rate, they’re still rare mainly because of their millennial popcultural generation syndrome: noisy, dirty, smelly, and nasty. However, the new regulations has all but eliminated sulfur in diesel starting [2006] and with the latest diesel technology, the air coming out of the car will be almost cleaner than the air going in. Plus, they’re now quieter than smugglers.

And there’s more, the Mercedes E320 TDI (diesel) has more torque than most sports cars and travels 780 miles per tank. Diesels typically get 30% better fuel mileage than their gas brethren and you never need to worry about the stupid battery pack — Gas cars go for 50 years, today, electric cars go 15.

The simple fact of the matter is this. Hybrids don’t get any better mileage than Diesels, you pay a larger premium for them, and diesel is about $.20/gal cheaper than cheap ‘regular’. But the worst thing about all Hybrids is that they have two engines! So think of all the factories that have to be built to make the second engine and it’s batteries and how much fuel they’re consuming.

I wouldn’t mind if some eco-freaks want to indulge their lust by trundling along at 55mph and 55mpg in the same way that I like to indulge my lust by blowing by them in my Porsche Cayenne Twin-Turbo V8 SUV at 155mph and 5mpg [where reasonable and prudent], sucking their “Cough If You Hate Consumers” bumper stickers off with my wake turbulence.

But wearing the hybrid hat just because you think you’re going to bring back the Dodo Bird or fix the hole in the ozone layer or for some perceived virtuous-ness is nothing more than ignorance. Hybrids are just car firms cashing in.

Buy a VW Jetta TDI. You’ll get better mileage and you’ll save cute Antarctic tigers.

  • J.A.N.E.

 

  1. Comment by 240sxer @ June 23, 2006,What are you talking about? The fact is you live in the united states, the reason why diesel engines get better fuel economy is because Diesel fuel contains more entergy, just like how Ethanol contains less energy than diesel or petrol gasoline. Diesel cars are quickly becoming not allowed in the united states because they polute too much. If you want to believe you are talking about polution, the Prius puts out much less emissions than any diesel car. Since you want to talk about the Jetta TDI and Diesels and general and ALSO talk about how *slow* the prius is don’t forget my prius will blow the fucking doors off of pretty much any diesel car that gets similar or better fuel economy. Just admin you hate the prius and can’t come up with a good reason. And don’t forget we live in the states, so compare diesel cars in the states not shit in europe.
  2. Comment by 240sxer @ June 23, 2006,And don’t act like i’m some polution nazi because the Prius is the only one of my cars that even has a catalytic converter on it. My other cars will make your eyes burn if you are near my I polute so much.
  3. Comment by BY SCOTT VANPALA @ June 29, 2006,You were correct about diesels’ high emissions. But, not any more. All 2007 diesels in the states are required to have extremely strict smog devices including particulate filters to bring their emissions output to within a comparable gasoline vehicle.And I think I’m right in saying that factories arent required to have catalysts on their smokestacks. There are required to report their pollution, but reporting, basically, is where it stops. And in Asia, forget about it. Sure, the Hybrid car spews less out its tailpipe than a diesel, but due to the extra emmisions from the factories that are involved in making the Hybrid’s second engine, overall it pollutes the planet way more than the liberal media tells us.It’s already a widely known fact that it’s almost impossible to get the rated 60mpg in the city with many 2006 hybrid drivers reporting 45mpg, maybe 50 at best. What’s not a widely known fact is that the hybrids typical acceleration specs are enigmatically embellished. Let me explain. The corporation  says it’ll get to 60mph in 10.1 seconds. And it will, maybe once or thrice a day. You see as the batteries drain, so does your total horsepower, and the batteries are rarely at full power because you’re constantly using them – thats the whole point of a Hybrid.  So 10.1 seconds to 60 is a rare and random occurence as it varies from significantly slower to even worse and is yet another reason I think Hybrids are absurd.But not as absurd as Hybrid drivers. They think they are being enviromentally friendly while pretending the extra cost, higher than expected fuel consumption, and extremely leisure performance don’t bother them.  I think secretly they all bought Hybrids just to drive alone in the carpool lanes. I actually might buy one for that reason myself.But just remember the next time you sneer at a big SUV driver, that somewhere in China, there is a factory pumping out carcinogens day and night to make the electric motor you have under your hood.

One comment on BUY A DIESEL CAR & SAVE THE EARTH, SERIOUSLY!

  • UPDATE 11 YEARS LATER:
    Electric cars are soulless so we cant recommend them at The Autostream Channel. Sorry.
    This is a bigger deal than say, bad miles-per-gallon.
    We also understand the future thanks to Jane, but we were always uber fans of internal combustion and have upmost confidence Porsche will be running the best hydrogen cars out there.
    You see this was decades old news and Toyota was in headlines for un-intended acceleration thru red lights and lots of speeding tickets so I had to call them out in a non political way and then personally, go with the Suzuki with the gigantic engine. Btw, I had to edit some names to protect the innocent.
    And today its more true than ever that Porsche has NEVER made a bad car!
    So, you can pick up my DVD at the great amazing Amazon shops AND watch Chapter 1 VIPER IN VEGAS DIRECTORS CUT of “Chaos Theory on Wheels”:

    On Youtube.com/Autostream where I play TWO characters who were cloned and now work together. What will go wrong? Nothing, we are absolute professionals.

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    The Real SVP

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