COLA WARS: THE VANILLA BEAN STRIKES BACK.

Well today is the EVE of a momentous occasion. Yet another introduction of yet another soft drink. Yes, you guessed it..The success of Vanilla Coke’s re-release has prompted the Pepsi Corporation to introduce a new flavor to strike a blow at their famed nemesis….So they have decided to make their own vanilla infused cola beverage. And what do the Pepsi creative genius’ call it? Yup, it wasn’t too hard to guess….Pepsi Vanilla!

So on this special day, I thought it would be a good idea to review not just the best ones, but also the worst ones.  I’m also taking the liberty to sample some of the more popular liver libations out there for those of you off the wagon.

Top 6 worst drinks:

Coke with Lime – I can sum up the flavor here by suggesting a far more accurate title: Coke with Urine. No really, that’s exactly what it tastes like. I’m pretty sure if i splashed Coke with urine and bottled it, I could make a few mil.

Sprite Remix – This is Coke’s answer to the Canadian 7-up tropical splash. And as we know, unless it’s hockey sticks or jetskis from Canada, it’s *****, so on to number 4.

Mountain Dew Livewire – It’s not that bad. Yet its not that good either. Why take Orange Slice and add caffiene to it? And where’s the DEW? It tastes nothing like Mt. Dew. I do thank PepsiCo for assaulting us with it for the summer of 2003 ONLY. Apparently they’re not afraid of failure. Nor are ashamed to admit it.

Pepsi Vanilla – Vanilla Coke clone…. Completely unoriginal, disturbingly un-creative, and taste notwithstanding, its miserably un-cool. Verdict: The second fiddle of vanilla cola. And it tastes wrong, sorry.  Try harder.

Pepsi blue – Also lost its fizz pathetically since possibly only 3 people in the world like the borderline indescribable taste of concentrated Kool-Aid, lollipops and blue cotton candy together. Even less people like drinking something the color of glass cleaner.  Close but no ribbon.

Captain Morgan’s Gold – This probably is the worst thing I ever tasted if you dont count carburetor cleaner or urine. Discontinued about as soon as it hit the shelves and its no surprise here since it tastes like maple syrup and cinnamon and not many humans fancy that taste, apparently.

Top 9 Best Drinks:

DnL – Yes, Dee-En-EL. Turn the bottle upside down and, I’m not joking, it spells 7-up. This must be the direct competitor for 7-up. Or Sierra Mist. It’s get confusing because 7-up isn’t owned by Pepsi any more. well they do in Canada and Mexico. Ok, here’s the simple explanation: Pepsi makes Sierra Mist, Coke makes Sprite, and DPSU (drpepper/sevenup) makes 7-up now except in Canada and Mexico where Pepsi makes it. So now that 7-up and upside down 7-up are still made, there are new bottling and distribution relationships. OR, another way: DPSU was created when the American government blocked deals allowing Dr Pepper to go to Coke and 7up to go to Pepsi in the 80s (7up outside the US was acquired by Pepsi and the majority of Dr Pepper outside the US is owned by Coca-Cola).

Cola Wars are hyper-political, it appears, but the fact we’re seeing innovation now shows this was a good idea and very forward thinking on the part the FTC. And this stuff is tasty. Think less like 7up and more like the late Surge along with the scent of the taste of green life-savers.

The-Fridge-Pack – Yes, not a drink but cardboard. And cardboard never tasted so good. Or at least has never been this convenient. Any canned beverage from Coke in a 12-pack come with this invention so amazing, we’ll wonder how we survived without it.

Since Coke are out of flavor ideas at the moment, they have cleverly changed the shape of their 12-packs to use your fridge space very efficiently and it also includes a built in dispenser. WOW! I was going to buy Pepsi this week, but the allure of specially shaped cardboard was too much to pass up.  Pepsi will copy it and ride the coat-tails.

Sierra Mist – Good copies are still better than bad inventions….Take 7-up, add sprite, subtract 7-up and you get ‘the mist’. The exact same molecular composition as Sprite, it seems. And I don’t like Sprite but I love Sierra Mist. Must be the brain-washing graphics on the can.

Coke – Everybody loves it, but you can’t dig for it like water and I’m real bored of it so lets move on.

Dr. Pepper – Nicknames (by me): D.P. & The Doctor – excellent alternative when Coke and Pepsi get boring. Has just as much history too – yes, Dr. Pepper invented it AND….it was invented BEFORE Coke! It’s actually so popular that there are more than 20 generic imposters: Mr. Pibb, Dr Becker, Dr Cheaper, Dr K, Dr Joes, Dr Perky, Dr Select, Dr Shasta, Dr Skipper, Dr Slice, Dr. Star, Dr Thunder, Dr Whatever!

Vanilla Coke – Ahh, vanilla infused cocaine, sweet and dangerous at the same time. Now about the taste…. I’ve always liked ‘Captain & Coke’ and this is that sans alcohol. Two enthusiastic thumbs up!  Thanks Coke.

Mike’s Hard Lemonade, Bacardi Silver – Refreshing like lemonade, cloudy color like Fresca, and gives a better buzz than beer. Hey, it even has the respect of a dark drink (at least in the summer) unlike the burgeoning sissy wussy fakey drink portion of the alcoholic beverage display.

Water – There are so many ways to get hold of it. You can draw it, pour it, dig for it (just not under the outhouse!) or simply dig it. You can get it from a well, a tap, a source, a fountain, or a stream. You can drink it straight up, out of your hand, from a glass, a bottle, a jar or a container. Soft water may have the disadvantage of containing only minute quantities of fluoride, whereas hard water might be bad for your favourite clothes… But all in all, NO WATER = NO LIFE. So get a life, care for your filtered water and drink it down.

Blue by SKYY Vodka – Tastes like Pinot Grigio and sprite without bubbles. I like it. But it really belongs at no.7. However, since their advertising for this product’s promotion includes alleged degradation of certain humans (by a tiny small group of hyper-sensitive people), I am putting it at number 1. I also will be consuming a lot more of it to help them make up for the boycott. – The current ad in question is titled “Skyy Blue” and depicts a woman’s rear as epicenter with legs spread. A man is shown between her legs with a bottle suggestively erect.

Personally, from looking at it, I’d say it’s degrading to no one, because it’s just fiction.  I mean, we don’t have free speech to say just the popular ideas; you are an individual, have your own ideas.  And, seriously, I’m happy drinking Skyy 🙂

  • BY SVP

EDIT BY JANE AUGUST 31, 2017

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